Anxiety, Addiction, and Ascension

Don Draper once said “People will do anything to alleviate their anxiety”. Whatever your opinion of the whisky-swilling Creative Director of Sterling Cooper in Matthew Weiner’s Mad Men, he had a point. 

As someone who has suffered from what might be described as a generalised anxiety disorder since my mid-teens, I can relate. I will do, and have done, anything to alleviate my anxiety. 

Some of these tales will make you laugh; some may make you weep. Others will probably repel you, and a few may inspire. All of them, however, are topics for future articles. For while one theme of this blog is my experience of anxiety and the resulting addictions, as well as my gradual ascension out of the black pit in which I found myself a few years ago, you will find much more here than that. 

You may have read ahead already and seen work of a socio-political nature, and you may be wondering what this has to do with anxiety, addiction, and ascension and cursing me for luring you here under false pretences. 

Let me assure you that if like me you struggle with anxiety and addiction, you will find meaning here. Periodically I will be writing about my voyage through our society’s most ubiquitous psychological malaise, and I will cover in my sordid twenty-year battle with alcohol and other drugs. And, as the title suggests, I will also share the story of how I came out the other side and began to cure myself. You will find all of that here. But you will also find much more. Let me explain why. 

Let me first however offer a disclaimer: I am not an ‘expert’. I do not have a psychology degree, or a diploma in addiction recovery or any qualification beyond a liberal arts degree that accredits me to discuss these things. Nor do I need one – and nor do you. If like me, anxiety and addiction afflict your life in some way – and even if you ended up here entirely by accident, the odds are good that they do – then you’re just as qualified as me, or anyone else to explore this immense topic. 

And that’s just the point. I am nobody of consequence. Chances are, I’m just like you. In fact, for some time I toyed with the idea of titling this blog Confessions of a Middle-class Nobody (this of course was after I got over the idea that I was some kind of big shot, and that getting drunk at work with my boss on a Tuesday morning made me an exciting embodiment of our friend Don Draper – but like I said, that’s all for future articles). One thing I do share with Don though is a facility with the written word. 

As a writer, I am here to tell stories. And at some point, every writer must tell his own. What follows is not meant to be instructional. When I reach the part, for instance, about how I gave up drinking without giving up drinking, I do not profess to offer advice, merely to tell my story. What has worked for me, what has not, and the bits I’m still trying to figure out.  

And here then is the crucial point: ‘Figuring things out’… What is that about? Well, that’s what I call ascension. Any journey, any plot, any character arc must include challenges through which the protagonist emerges changed in some way. It is this process of negotiating challenges and hardships, of growing, or indeed withering, that brings wisdom. It brings us understanding – ascension. 

This is why you’ll find lots of politics and culture here also. It’s also why you’ll find philosophy and spirituality. It’s why you’ll likely find along the way literary and music critique, movie reviews, poetry, short stories and everyday musings. All these things inform our understanding of life – they provide frameworks, codes, parallels, logic, context, allegory and much more. It is through our continual interpretation and analysis of the world that we ascend. And it is through our struggles that we forge the tools to better interpret and analyse the world. 

And it just so happens that for most humans, anxiety or addiction, or indeed a hefty dose of both, are the challenges with which we most often struggle. 

And let’s dispel the big misnomer at the outset: Anxiety can take many forms – for some it is a crippling neurological imbalance, a ‘clinical’ condition requiring medication or even hospitalisation. But this is not the norm. Most of us know anxiety as a dull, persistent niggle – perhaps exacerbated by certain things; caffeine, hangovers, or grating noises – so much a part of us in fact that we may not even give it a name. Everyone experiences anxiety to some degree, it originates in the amygdala, the most primitive part of our brains – often referred to as ‘fight or flight’. Any time we second guess what kind of first impression we’ve made, or feel our guts constrict as an airplane goes through a patch of turbulence, or get FOMO, or find ourselves staring blankly at our smartphone with no idea why we picked it up – that’s anxiety. If you’re one of the lucky few who has this beast well and truly under control – well done you. I mean it. But most of us have not ascended to this level... yet. 

And addiction: This too comes in all shapes and sizes. Indeed, throughout the course of my gradual ascension, I have discovered that my own addiction, alcohol and drugs, was in fact only the most visible manifestation of a number of other much more subtle compulsions – again, more on that later. I do like to dabble in the fascinating topic of neurochemistry but as I’ve said, I’m no expert. I know enough though to know that most of our behaviours are performed in the pursuit of dopamine and serotonin – the brain’s reward and calming chemicals. Pick your poison, so to speak, be it gin, cocaine, oxy, weed, food, sex, porn, work, exercise, shopping, Instagram, cosmetic surgery… The list goes on and on. Sorry to have to lay this on you if you’re uninitiated, but most of us are addicted to something, to some extent. 

So why should you listen to me? I’ll say it again: I’m no expert. But let’s be honest, aren’t we all a little sick of ‘experts’? I sure as hell am. I’m not rich or famous and my views on many things pretty much guarantee I never will be – too much of what I have to say goes against contemporary dogma. But I’ll be honest with you, about my journey, my thoughts, and my evolving understanding of the world. And I’ll never toe a party line to pander for social acceptance or algorithmic promotion. My intention here is to simply be me.

Well, that’s not entirely true. I may as well admit at the outset that JJ Dawson is not my real name. Why am I using a pseudonym? Again – too much of what I have to say goes against contemporary dogma. I’ve been the victim of a cancellation attempt before simply for being critical of a certain extreme ideology. I will be discussing things here that many zealots in our progressive age may find outrageous. I will also be revealing things about my life that could be used by malicious actors to get me fired from my job. Sadly, I need my job. It's not a bad job, but it’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life. Nor do I want to keep climbing the corporate ladder – because I’ve seen what lies behind the curtain of that world and it disgusts me, and I can’t unsee it. I hope to one day make a living from my writing but, for now, I’m stuck on the hamster wheel. In time, if things go well, I will look to monetise this content and then maybe, if you can spare a couple of bucks a month, you can be a small part of my ultimate ascendancy out of the rat race. And when that day comes, perhaps then I can take the mask off. 

So, while JJ Dawson is not the name on my birth certificate, everything else about this writing is one hundred percent me, and if you’re reading this, I do not take your attention for granted. As a writer, your attention is in fact my reason for being, and I thank you for it. I will strive to do right by you, my reader. I may rant and pontificate from time to time, but I will never talk down to you or profess to know what’s best for you. When talking politics and culture I will be strident in my opinions and scathing in my criticisms – but do not take this as hubris. My understanding of the world and the resulting assessments are only ever the sum total of my experience to date. My journey is ongoing and the search for truth has no terminus. Ascension is a process, a conversation. It’s two steps forward and one step back. It’s listening at least as much as you speak. Most importantly, it’s humility.

What I said before about how I used to think I was a big shot – I really did. I’ll tell you that story soon if you stick around. I haven’t written it yet, but I know how it goes, and it’s a doozy. I’m not really looking forward to putting it down, it’s pretty cringe, but it needs to be told. That’s humility, and it’s how you know you’ve grown – being able to mock the utter state of your former self. Not maliciously, but in gentle, reflective good humour. That’s ascension. 

I have many stories to tell, some about myself, some about friends and loved ones, but mostly simply about ideas and things. I’m not an influencer with an audience of millions (though perhaps you can help me change that) – I’d like to reach as many people as I can. I have lots to say and I think it’s worth sharing. Not because I think my story is remarkable. Quite the contrary. Because I think it’s probably very relatable. And another aspect of ascension is lifting others up with you. In short, I want to help. I want to do something good. 

I’ve known for some years now that there was more to life than my nine-to-five job, mortgage, $55 dollar haircuts, UberEATS, and holidays that strain the credit card. This is all starting to sound like an excerpt from Fight Club isn’t it? Not without reason – we’ll definitely be discussing that at some point. 

I guess I was about to call myself a ‘regular guy’ just then, but in many ways I’m not. I’ve lived a life wilder than most, but not nearly as wild as some. That said, I have a pretty quiet existence these days, partly because all this writing takes a lot of time, but moreover because ascension requires a lot of space for reflection and healing (and trust me, I still have plenty of healing to do). That said, I still like to party from time to time. 

I’ve lost friends in tragic and violent ways, but many others are pictures of domestic normality. My parents are still happily married while I myself am divorced. I have battle scars and Bitcoin; tattoos and Tesla. I’ve experienced a major natural disaster and a man-made one which you too have lived through. I have a teenage son who I’ve not seen for three years because of that disaster. I’ve gone from private schools to jail cells. I’ve been a builder, a bum, a rapper and a yuppie. What am I trying to say here? I guess I’m a regular enough kind of guy to tell you a relatable story, but I’ve had enough drama in my life to tell it in a compelling and amusing way. 

Are my contradictions frustrating you? Same here. This is my life.  

Welcome to anxiety, addiction… and ascension.